Thursday, January 10, 2008

Single-minded............

Single-minded............
What a fictional word it is...........
For I have never ever experienced doing anything single- mindedly.........Not even once………
For nothing that has been either mundane or mandatory ever escaped the close scrutiny....
For nothing could combat the raid of thousand thoughts that filled my mind space and time...
So less time so much thinking…… so many plans so less execution
I decided to make a list of thoughts that flux my mind when I am alone..........
So this is just 75% of the vagary of thoughts that flashed through my mind when coming to office in bus, playing Hindi radio songs in my auditory canal....... .leaving too little scope to concentrate on one thought.
I couldn’t channelise my thought process…… kept fidgeting with different thoughts that didn’t form any specific pattern……….
Problems, fears, happiness, biases, insane accusations all seem to have mixed to form a hedonist emotional concoction.
I managed to trace back some of the vague thoughts-
1] Bajirao my adolescent cat needs a gf (It’s almost their season to mate and my dear lil one still hasn’t found his SOLE MATE)
2] What’s awaiting me at my work (Lots and lots of it or just lots of it)
3] Why do I hate my school days when others don’t (I think of this everyday but to my dismay no conclusion found yet))
4] Husbands b’day next month........tired of gifting him shirts
He wears faint colors so often (Soooooooo boring and lackluster faint colors.....Bright colors are just so lively)
5] Bajirao has scratched me all over, will these scars go? (NO MARKS or life long KNOW MARKS)
6] When will I get an appraisal.......? (Ridiculous: How can I even think this it’s my first month of joining)
7] I wish I was aggressive and smart...and pretty and beautiful ( The list of endless" ands" continues )
8] Husbands spending most of his time and attention in office (Am I fat, ugly, masculine, non-curvaceous….I already sound like I am going thru a 7 year itch)
9] Does Sachin Pilagaonkar wear a wig? ( I feel he does but then truth is always wierd)
10] Why cant I have happy ever after ending ( They never show whatever happens after" And they lved happily ever after", I am experiencing it and its not soo good)
11] Am I dyslexic ( Tare Jameen Par..........seems so close to heart and so out of personal experience)
12] What if bajirao runs away (And one day my baby will be gone........to start his own kin........Yaeeks sounds like an 40 something insecure mother of a marriageable man)
13] Spent too much on 31st( Phew! Danced till toes broke, drank till consciousness vanished and woke up on a new year morning with a big hole in the pocket)
14] I soooooo hate all pink haters( I hate her that brunette b#$%H....Lets say her name ends with ....)
15] That sooo reminds me of Legally blonde( Loved this movie so much, have seen it only 15 times yet it feels so new every time)
16]I need to see my parents everyday...wish I was staying in Thane with them( Sob Sob the only people who know me n and out and never ever resort to judging me)
17] I loved Khyatis lipstick ( Cant buy it, have so many of them already.....no place for me and my stuff)
1] Bano didn’t invite me to her fathers book exhibition ( I am fuming with anger, shez my best friend you know)
19] Husband needs to be communicated about what I feel( Tried that many times........it just doest work girl. Am not giving up yet)
20] I wish i had attitude ( Not this dead pan face and a long list of achievements that contradict their accomplishments)
21]I love Talaopali...its been long since I went for boating there( oooooooooohh TTTTHHHHAAAANNNEEEEE- My Hometown)
22] What are other people from my college doing( Hope I don’t end up being subordinate to one of them........who ends up bossing my @$$ in return. Rat race just doesn’t end)
23] How long will I live( The shorter the better)
24] Will an unplanned pregnancy kill my career( Now where did this one come from? Theres still a lot of time for it)
25] Bajiraos cat food needs to be bought..( Oh yeah poor things crying for it for 2 days now...cant see him nibbling away at leftovers)
26] Bhau needs to study hard to go to abroad( My dream.....My dream)
27] Wish moms feeling better now( she is a stubborn lady who loves office more than her health)
28] Didn’t like the taste of lemon tarts (Yucks.....They are not made for me)
29] Selfish Husband (I was so hyper and hormonal when i thought this. he he )
30] Why do I love bajirao when he bites me( Probably because I am emotionally lame person)
31] What about the Dr and his wife who died in road accident.........what will happen of their children?(When Will I stop thinking about the gory details of tragedies)
32] Radio Mirchi Pune plays pathetic songs in the mornings.........(I soo miss the fast and funky Radio Mirchi Mumbai)
33] Will I get a banana during lunch today..( Am a monkey or what)
34] Need to clean my inbox ( Yeah I agree- 300 odd spam awaiting the delete button)
35] Manish keeps calling me slow...........slob..........and doubting my caliber........I try a lot for that fake smile( I hope the effort behind it just doesn’t show)
36] Has my brain grown lethargic.....................or has it just stooped sending signals( I feel I am partially Brain dead)
37] Today’s breakfast includes two dry cakes ( Thankfully I got it all wrong this one but we had a even pathetic option bhajji pav)
38] I sooooooo want to listen to the song " Bilo rani" from Goal........( Its a cheesy item number...but it sooooo grips my I--maginaton) : )
39] I sleep for only 6 hours( I resolve to catch some more winks in 2008)
40] What’s so pleasant about the morning ?( Everything apart from me I guess)
41] Mp3 player needs to be charged ( Poor things gets used everyday for 2 hours)
42] I soo need a dentist( or i will end up needing dentures)
43] Can somebody suggest me some trick to look active( Medicine, beauty parlor, drugs anything would be fine)
44] Britney’s a bipolar……..am I too? ( Could be……….May be borderline)
45] I am married? Its been a year (Still cant digest it)

I never thought I could think soooo much in 45 minutes ….well there was more to it…I forgot many points and I have tried to be brief with the details……….
I get it now!
My mind has never been a lone taskmaster...it has always been pre-occupied with the RATIONALZING----Balancing the pros and cons
SEARCHNG--------For short-cuts
FEARING-------For ensuing failure
GOOGLNG- For right words
DREAMING- Of sweet successes
BASKING- In denial
It has always been so wayward………..It will always been so strange…..so surprising……such a reckless abandonment………. but so intimately the fruit of my fertile brain!

2 comments:

Tharini said...

these thoughts will only make you weak if you write them. a person is only beautiful if s/he thinks beautiful. similarly if you think you're smart, you will be smart.

(happened to read your blog by chance)

iron_maiden said...

Dear Tharini,
Thanks for stoppng by!
I agree wth you. But the whole point in jotting down untampered- unadulterated thought flow was to understand my mind. If I woud have censored some of the thoughts while scriptng the post, it would not have done justice to the experiment or its findngs. Even the biggest acheiver on this earth has his share of concerns, flaws, apprehensions and insecurities. It is mpossible to live life free of all the above mentioned fears. An outer exhibiton of confidence doesnot validate the existence of a strong internal combat. I was just being candid,honest and upfront about what I felt during those 45 mins. And speaking ones fears doesnot make them weak, it only creates an awareness that can prompt the individual to fight them and emerge stronger.